Episode Transcript
[00:00:12] Speaker A: Hi, Roots and Wings family. Welcome to our Roots and Wings podcast.
I am Nina. This is Alayna. And today we have a special guest, my mother, Iris Douglas.
[00:00:25] Speaker B: Namaste, girls.
[00:00:27] Speaker A: She is the reason for it all. She is the reason why we started this podcast. This was her baby, and she passed it over to us. And we are so, so grateful to take on this challenge and this project.
Today we are going to be discussing the age gaps and how we all have similar problems in life. They just show up a little bit differently in different stages of our lives. So we have a few questions to start for my mother, because she is in her 60s, Alaina's in her 40s, and I'm in my 20s. So we're just going to discuss what that age gap looks like and how we navigate life through that age gap. So the first question is, what does self love look like in your 60s?
[00:01:09] Speaker B: Self love in my 60s is owning everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly, letting go of what no longer serves me and moving onward with just pride, dignity, and honoring everything.
All the jobs, opportunity, all the friendships, all the business opportunities, and just sitting down, relaxing, and just helping now my family and leaving a legacy. You know, that's what it looks like in my 60s. I'm building to leave something behind for you, for your sister, for your nephews, for your niece. You know, that's what it looks like in my 60, making sure that my husband and I, we have a peaceful life, that we have everything we need, that I'm there to serve our community, friends, family, whatever. That's very important to me. Because when you're in your 60s, you get mad sentimental, and, you know, it's very compassionate time. It's very like, oh, indito, I know what you're going through. So, you know, it's that time. And that's why roots and wings, it's all about you. It's all about you girls learning from your roots. How do you get your wings? How? From how. From the bottom of the soil. How do you become that beautiful goddess and that princess to fly? How do you do that?
So that's what. That's what I'm here. That's what it looks like in my 60s, me becoming an elder and being part of a community and empowering women and especially my daughter and whoever she's with. That's what it looks like in my 60s. So thank you so much for that. I like that question, by the way.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: So the next question is, what are some things you still struggle with in your 60s when it comes to Self love,
[00:02:50] Speaker B: I would say my struggles is trying to get my emotions balanced because everything that's going around me, the universe, friends, families, opportunities, relationship partnerships, business, there are so many triggers that come to you, and if you don't know how to handle those triggers with grace and integrity and patience, you.
You can fall back. Especially when you're in your 60s, especially when you're getting older because you don't want to say, why did I do that? You did it. Move forward. It happened. Something you learn. Move onward. Don't be in your head. And that's what I highly recommend for Nina in her twenties and definitely sweetheart in your forties. Don't get stuck in your heads. So those are some challenges that I tend to still struggle with. But when I practice my meditation, when I practice my yoga, and when I practice my affirmations and my intentional work, I find myself more balanced, that I can handle these challenges and I make better choices because I'm more aligned with my spirit, my mind and my body, which is super, super important.
So, yeah, so those are the challenges that I find myself. Sometimes it's going triggers that want me to go back to my old ways. And I'm like, nah, it's not. You're not going to get me. I'm moving onward.
So, yeah, thanks. That was a good question.
[00:04:13] Speaker C: This is super interesting. Like your perspective is the 60s minus the 40s versus the 20s. And like she said in the intro, the problems don't go away, they just show up differently. Right. So I had to learn. And Nina and I spoke about this the other night when we had dinner. Like, what did it look like for me to have self love in my 20s or my 30s? And now my 40s looks completely different.
Um, and it goes back to learning who you are. And, and there was something that came up between the two of us was like I suffered with destination addiction. I don't know if you know what that is. It's like, oh, when it's summer, then I'll be happy. Or, oh, when I'm in that relationship, I'll be happy. Or when I get that job and I get that raise, like, I'll be happy. And you don't realize, like, you're living, you're. You're losing out on life because you're always waiting for the next best thing. And the next best thing doesn't come because you're making, you're creating your reality as you're in it. Right?
[00:05:04] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:05:05] Speaker C: It goes back to really having that, that connection to self, that self trust that relationship that you have with yourself, which took me a while to cultivate. And I look at Nina and I'm like, oh, I know. I know what you're going through. A lot of the times, like, she's my sister's age, my little sister's age, so it feels our age gap.
I love it because I feel like I'm reflecting back on who I was in my 20s as well, and it's so important. I didn't know what me time was. I didn't spend time, like, cultivating that relationship with myself back then.
And then I realized, like, how important that is for a foundation. And that will take you through your 20s, 30s, 40, 50s, and so on.
[00:05:47] Speaker B: No, I. Listen, that's what I'm here for, you know, And I appreciate you. I appreciate you both asking me that question because we're here to learn from one another. You're teaching her, we're teaching each other. She's teaching others.
We got this.
[00:06:02] Speaker A: Yes, mom, you are like, you are such a powerhouse. You have such useful energy. You just light up a room and we're just. It's so, it's so. It's such a blessing to look forward to you, to.
[00:06:14] Speaker C: To.
[00:06:14] Speaker A: To have you as my mother because it's just like, wow. Like, when I AM in my 60s, I want to be just like that. I want to be dancing salsa. I want to be with the girl looking sexy.
[00:06:24] Speaker C: Yes. Like.
[00:06:25] Speaker A: And I know that that is cultivated through your spiritual practice and.
[00:06:30] Speaker B: Absolutely. Well, sweetheart, you were there. You were there when I was in my 40s. You said my, well, 30s. You were still young, but you were there. In my 40s. Mid 40s, late 40s. What happened? Let it go, boy.
[00:06:40] Speaker C: Oh, my God, this cat. Wait, the cat is moving. The tripod. No, you can't play with that.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: So, mom, one last question. What is a one liner that you can give women who are embracing themselves in their 60s?
[00:06:55] Speaker B: You're better than ever. Better than ever. You hold all your good juju in now.
You hold all your good juju and now because you don't have to deal with the Russell the bustle and the hustle and the kids are grown, you know, it's time to do you. It's time to self, you know, to embrace your. Your femininity, your sexiness back. Because just because you're 60 don't mean you old.
Cause 60, let me tell you, 60 is the new 30.
I feel it all the time. As long as you keep that childlike energy, you ain't gonna get old.
So that's what I'm. That's what I. I'm sorry you said one liner, but I had to take it to a different level.
[00:07:38] Speaker C: Thank you. I appreciate it.
[00:07:40] Speaker B: You're welcome. You're welcome. So listen, with that said, I'm gonna let you girls now go. You do you. You're in good hands with Connor. I just wanted to make sure you guys give you a blessing and. And it's time for you guys to glow. I'm here when you guys need me. All right, Have a good deal. Bye, Connor. Bye. Bye.
Perfect.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: All right, so we're gonna put that nugget in our pocket and save that for later, and we hope that you do the same.
And so now turning it over to Alaina, there's a few questions that I have for you.
First question is, at what point did you realize you needed to set aside time for yourself?
[00:08:18] Speaker C: So like I talked about earlier with your mom, I was like a runner. So in my 20s, I always had plans. I always had somewhere to go, even if it was just a friend's house. Like, I wasn't running away from anything at home. Like, I had a great. A great home, but something just didn't sit right with me. And people will be like, oh, don't you take some me time? Or don't you, like, just chill? Don't you take off from work? And I'm like, no. Like, that was foreign to me. And I pushed through. I pushed through like a lot of women do. And in the work that I do now with women as a coach in my business, ask Elena. I work with women who are facing burnout and who do not stop and who feel the pressure of society pounding them down into the pavement. Like hustle, culture, all those things. And I was. I was her. And, you know, at 22 years old, I became a therapist. I worked in juvenile detention.
I was staying out late. I was going to be a therapist in the morning. Like, it was just a lot of. It was a lot.
And in my 30s, I started to slow down. I was in a long term relationship. But then I realized, like, my job is taking its toll on me. My relationship was not relationshiping the way that I wanted it to be.
My body was suffering from those two things, like cortisol and weight gain and hormonal ups and downs and insulin, things that were going on. And Covid hit and I had no choice, right? I didn't make. I didn't. I wasn't proactive. I was reactive. And that's what I try to help women. I don't want you to get to that point where you're, like, knocked.
So I was knocked and Covid hit, and I started to realize, like, I better slow down. I better. I better take time for myself. And that's. That's really when I started to cultivate a better relationship.
[00:10:07] Speaker A: What. At what point, as you were growing up, do you feel, like, this habit of you making all these plans and you just filling your schedule up? Filling your schedule up. When did that start?
Was it like, teenage years?
[00:10:21] Speaker C: No, teenage years. I was, like, really, like, withdrawn. I wasn't into. I was just like, whatever that was. Teenage years for girls, but, like, college. College age and then early 20s. Like, I. I loved my 20s. I always speak highly, you know, about this all the time. I tell you, enjoy your 20s. Enjoy your 20s. Live it up.
I had a great decade, and I didn't feel it. When you're in your 20s, you don't feel things that you feel in your 30s or your 40s, whether it's mental, emotional, physical, all of that. And what was the question again?
[00:10:53] Speaker A: Like, at what point did you develop this habit of, like, filling your schedule up?
[00:10:58] Speaker C: So definitely my early twenties is when it hit. Yeah, I just wanted to be distracted. I wanted to be, like, busy. I don't know.
[00:11:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I definitely resonate with that. For sure, for sure. What were your.
When you decided to slow down? When that. When Covid came and you had no choice and it really hit you, what were your. What was your body telling you? What were your, like, physiological reactions to the. To the. I guess, slowing down, the quiet.
[00:11:26] Speaker C: So there's a thing called restful healing. And when your body. First of all, I had PTSD or CPTSD from working in juvenile detention for all those years. And then my relationship wasn't good.
What I was going through was just, like. It looked. Appeared to be, like, depression and withdrawal, but I don't think it was that. I think it was actual, like, physical. My body was like, you better cut this shit out. Like, you need to stop.
And I just, like, shut out the world and people. I joke about this all the time with our boss. Like, I loved quarantine. I thrived in quarantine. Being by myself, I built a business. It was my highest earning year in my side business.
Even though I was still busy and making money, there was much more of a balance for me and just like, having the outside world. And maybe it took the outside world shutting down for me, but. But I was also working from home, so I was removed from the jail environment, the juvenile Detention, environment, everything kind of got quiet, and so did my body.
And that's how.
That's how I knew, like, okay, so you couldn't do this on your own, so here you go. Okay. Yeah.
[00:12:41] Speaker B: Right.
[00:12:41] Speaker A: I definitely resonate with that. I feel like I have also been on that train where I always have something to do. I actually was reflecting on this this morning when I woke up, and I'm like, every single day this week, I have done something, and when am I just going to take a day or prioritize a day just for myself? And I really don't do that often. I'm starting to be a little bit more aware of it now. But I would say that for me, it started very, very young because I have a sister, but she's much older than me, and so, you know, she was living her life, and I was alone a lot of the time. And, you know, my mom did her best to entertain me. You know, she. She always, always took me out and always took me, you know, to do some fun things and, like, a group of friends with me. And so, like, I always had, like, friends sleeping over. Like, I would sleep over. And, like, I think that, like, I just got conditioned as I was growing up to just always have, like, company around and always be doing something. And so I've been on this, like, hamster wheel for so long, and now at 28, I'm realizing, like, whoa, I need to just, like, chill a little bit. But it's like that whole, like, you versus you thing, right? Like, it's like the old you versus the new. You're trying to transform into a new version of yourself, but you're fighting the old version of yourself. So, like, my old version is always like, all right, what to do now? Where am I going to go? Who am I going to see? You know? And then the new version is, like, trying to reparent myself. Like, no, Nina, stay home. You said you were going to stay home and, like, have a you day. And so I think I'm still, like, struggling with that.
[00:14:05] Speaker C: I don't. I wouldn't say struggling. I would just say, like, forming, creating, developing. It's not, you know, the label struggle, okay? Because as you age, that changes. So when I was 28, that's when it started to slow down a little bit for me, and I started to be more intentional. So when I say, like, I struggled with me time, that was also internal. So I could have been at home, right? I could have been resting. But where was my mind going? Where was my energy going? It was always on the next best thing. So even though I was sedentary, like my insides weren't. So that's like a key of what I teach women is like nervous system regulation, how to come back to baseline. And that doesn't always mean you're non reactive or you don't feel. It means that you know how to come back to self. And your mom hit on that point two in her 60s. Like you have to have that foundation in order to feel healthy.
And you're probably forming into that as you age. Like your 30s will feel different. They feel calmer, they feel more intentional. They feel like saying no. And you and I coming into boundaries, we talk about this all the time. Nina and I talk about boundaries all the time. And that was an area where.
I don't want to use the word struggle for you because I'm not going to put that on you, but it's an area where you felt you needed to have more focus. Do you want to talk a little bit about that back in your 20s?
[00:15:23] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:15:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: I don't know if it's necessarily a people pleasing, like fully, but I think there's like notes of people pleasing in my disposition where I am afraid to have people feel a certain type of way or get upset with me. And so there have been a lot of situations that I've kind of just let things go or I've justified things in my mind because I try to be so understanding.
And as, as an educator of special ed students, I understand that there's always a route to a behavior. So applying that and trying to like, understand, like, okay, like maybe this person did this because of this, or maybe this person did that because of that. And it's like I always kind of justified their actions. And I kind of just like either got over it very quickly or like I kind of just like let it slide or I would just keep allowing it to happen even though, like inside me I didn't really feel good about it. And so that's where I realized, like, whoa, like, I don't have boundaries.
I was out with a girlfriend last month and she told me, like, you don't, don't have boundaries. And I really, really reflected on that. And I came to Elena and I
[00:16:27] Speaker C: was like, I don't have boundaries. What do I do?
[00:16:31] Speaker A: And she reminded my, she reminded me to give myself grace because, you know,
[00:16:35] Speaker C: this is valid time.
Forming boundaries is appropriate, I guess, at
[00:16:40] Speaker A: this time in life. But yeah, I just allowed, I allowed people to disrespect me and I didn't really understand that it was disrespect until I really removed myself from the situation and analyzed it.
So I think now, with my old self battling my new self, when I do encounter certain situations, I'm like, okay, what do I do here? How do I do things differently from what I used to do? So that way, I do have boundaries. So that way, I do have an outcome that's better for me.
So that's what I'm kind of working through. And lately, I think I've been doing a little bit better. I've been speaking so much better.
[00:17:11] Speaker C: Thank you. Yeah, I think you're doing so much better.
[00:17:13] Speaker A: I've been using my voice a lot. My cousin, he has a new nickname for me, and he calls me Hurricane Nina. And, yeah, I'm just like, all right, Hurricane Nina's coming out, because I'm about to tell all these out there right now.
[00:17:26] Speaker C: So I'm proud of myself for that. I'm like, whoa, I'm forced now.
Yeah.
[00:17:31] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:32] Speaker C: So when you talk about, like, the older version and the new version, that's so aligned with the work that I do, because I always talk about how one part of you has to die. Right. You're gonna go through a lot of deaths. You can call them ego deaths, whatever. Old versions, whatever you want to name it. But something has to die for the old, for the new to take over. And the way to do that is by constantly going back to, am I making this decision from a place that feels good for me? Like, as a therapist, social worker, we work with special needs children. We work together on the same team. We love that.
We both understand the function of behavior.
That's a big piece of our job. So understanding the function of someone's behavior doesn't help in your personal life. It gives you insight, but that should not be the driving force, because you could always find a way to give someone an out.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:24] Speaker C: And it doesn't help them grow. Right. It's. It's coddling. It could become enmeshment. It could become people pleasing and mothering and all of those ick energies that. That you wouldn't want to do in a relationship. You wouldn't want to do with family, and you really wouldn't want to do in a friendship, because then it causes, like, an unbalanced dynamic. So I love that part of you is dying. I've had so many deaths. And the way to make that, like, reality kind of collapse a little faster is to not feed the old.
So you just continue to go back to okay, I made that. I set that boundary and it was uncomfortable. But I'm alive, right? Because our brain tricks us into saying, like, if I do something that feels scary, like, I'm gonna die. Like, it goes to that extreme where we're wired that way. So you, you prove to yourself you didn't die. You set the boundary, you kept it moving, and it probably worked out in your favor. Either way, it's a win. Win.
[00:19:14] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:19:15] Speaker C: So, like, keep on that.
[00:19:17] Speaker A: It's, it's touching on what you mentioned about, like, going through those uncomfortable situations, I think that that's what a lot of people that I see around me, especially like my age group, I've noticed that, like, people really cannot deal with uncomfortable situations. Like, they rather just retreat and avoid and like, you know, maybe just not talk for like a week or two or a month or however long it takes, and then come back and act like nothing happened. And I've noticed that whenever I do try to be direct and have a conversation about, hey, go, what's up? Like, this bothered me. You know, I take accountability for whatever I did that bothered you, but this bothered me. People can't. Like, it's like, not everybody can receive that.
And it just, it makes me feel like, am I crazy?
[00:19:58] Speaker C: Like, am I, am I the odd one? Because I'm trying to talk about this very uncomfortable topic.
[00:20:02] Speaker A: But then I realized, like, those who do have an open mind for the uncomfortableness, after we deal with that uncomfortability, we're like, I like the new level of, like, understanding.
[00:20:13] Speaker C: And it's emotional. It's beautiful. It is emotional intelligence. Because you, you have to, you have to be able to withstand. This is nervous system regulation too. Because nervous system regulation teaches you how to withstand discomfort like life does not. You. Like, we're not the chosen ones. Like, people don't get easy ways. Like, life throws curveballs. Even when I talk about manifestation Master manifesters are not the chosen ones. They're not special.
They just keep coming back to themselves. And they're like, you know what? No matter what, it's working out for me. This, it was an uncomfortable situation. But you know what? It's working in my favorite, like, this situation didn't work out for me, but you know what? It's working out of my favor. Like, that's, that's the bottom line. And when you do find people who are emotionally intelligent enough to say, like, let's have that conversation, I feel uncomfortable with, like, our vibe. Like, let's sit down and just, like, talk. Yeah, it's so Much better. Your relationship becomes stronger because now you're not a rug sweeper. Because anything you rug sweep just becomes a bigger pile of shit.
[00:21:11] Speaker A: Okay, yes, perfect.
[00:21:12] Speaker C: Stop being a rug sweeper. Yeah, there'll be no rug sweeper.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: I used to be a rug sweeper.
And it's funny because, like, the whole you versus you, sometimes when I'm about to face an uncomfortable situation, I still have that feeling like, oh, can I just run away?
[00:21:31] Speaker C: Can I just, like, not talk about it?
[00:21:32] Speaker A: Can I just prolong it a little longer? And then I really have to be like, nah, go in there.
[00:21:36] Speaker C: Go do it. Go do the thing. It gets easier, but it may not ever feel fantastic. Like, I mean, I ever feel great. You're confronting something that's uncomfortable. You're a lot like you're a human being. You're good.
[00:21:47] Speaker A: Years ago, I was speaking to this spiritual healer, and she told me, you and everyone else in the world are not the exception to the dysfunction. And I'm like, yo. I remind myself that all the time whenever I go through, like, my. My car was, like, broken into the other day. And, like, yeah, I was tight about it, but then I was just like, I'm not an exception to this assumption. This happens to everybody. You know, we live in New York City. Like, it is what it is. Like, I'll just fix it, keep it pushing, you know? And, like, I found so much peace in that.
[00:22:11] Speaker C: Like, I really was not that bad. It was just like, whoa.
[00:22:15] Speaker A: Like, there's so much peace in that, just knowing that, like, we're just all a part of this, like, crazy, fucked up, yet so beautiful world. And, like, there's just a balance of good and bad. One can't exist without the other. And we just got to kind of adapt and flow it, you know, there's really. There's peace in that.
[00:22:32] Speaker C: Absolutely. Okay, guys, we're going to wrap it up here. We are done yapping for the day. But if you liked our episode, if you like our vibe, please subscribe and follow us. We are on YouTube, Instagram, and we would love to have you. For our next couple of episodes, we're
[00:22:48] Speaker A: going to be talking about a bunch of different topics, and we're even going to be debating about some things in some future episodes. So stay tuned.
[00:23:06] Speaker B: It.
